Boredom IS Evil

A few years ago I dipped my toe into blogging and made huge mistakes, mainly in the tone of my writing.  I treated the posts as if they were journal entries, which if anyone ever read my journals, would be convinced that I was an emotionally intense maniac that better not miss a dose of her meds.  (This reminds me to add “burn journals” to my will… ) I remember that my good friend posted a comment noting that I seemed really raw, and that struck a chord with me.  An out of tune, face-wincing squelch which meant that that much unfiltered emotion, in this case sheer rage, was not appropriate.  A few months later (this was the summer of 2007) I was invited to join Facebook via a project I was working on coordinating college students and I quickly learned that too much raw emotion in a very public forum was never a good thing.  I closed down the blog and began to pay very close attention to my intention and my tone.

The past few weeks I have been BORED TO THE POINT OF ANGER, mostly due to my aforementioned situation at work.  I have tried to channel it into running and hiking, which does actually help.  I have been out and about on dinners and drinks and happy hours and baseball games and hosting out-of-towners.  I got some new clothes.  My bra size is now 32DD (wtf?) and there have been no surgeries nor weight gains.  I have embarked on a much needed organization project, purging files both paper and electronic, which is satisfying, but holy hell is it tedious.  (Photos are next, will that be more fun?)  So it is not like I have been not enjoying life, my peeps, and all that important stuff since the work slowdown.

But… the boredom has creeped the past few days.  And the weather sucks.  (Rained ALL DAY, here instead of my home state which is heartbreakingly parched.)  The boredom has infected my extra-curricular life with lethargy.  When I get home I have no energy.  I feel despondent.  I shut down.  I turn off.  I don’t run.  And then, I don’t write for fear of spewing.

With the hope that it does help to be vulnerable to avoid getting unintentionally wounded later on, I decided to force myself to write this terse admission by staying very disciplined emotionally.  Being vulnerable and open has backfired on me in the past, very recently in fact, and I have to fight off the torrent of self-directed criticism when I have felt rejected.  But, my brain knows that this will actually work to heal my heart on the other side of the current frustrations.  I will have to get through today and likely tomorrow too though, feeling inept.

5 thoughts on “Boredom IS Evil

  1. Sorry I missed this earlier. Dog problems. Big puppy, little insane ass old aggressive one. Think little Asian attacking Godzilla. That is what happened, and my wife was the one who got bit. wife crying in pain on kitchen floor, and E.R. visit later, etc… = shitty night, and a sleep in.

    BOREDOM SUCKS!!! appears in many places too.

  2. Ahhh! I’ve been buried in work lately and DID go to the Bay Area for the conference I’d mentioned … on the very three days you were in Santa Fe. Damn! I’m sure the work situation is making you seriously nuts. Hang in there! Because all in all, you “sound” pretty good. Now post some pictures of some dresses!

    1. DAMN IT!! I was thinking about that YESTERDAY and wondering if you did in fact make it here. yes, I did go to hot and smokey SFe, I hope it was nice here for you. come back! thank you for saying that about the work sitch, I really really really feel strongly that it is really really really effing with me and to get this validation on top of running into a good friend today who has been in same sitch before AND talking to a co-worker who is having same symptoms, I still feel bored, but now not without hope that it will change. PURGATORY!!!! ahhh, the dress, it is SO CUTE. it’s but this v chic line called Carven. will try to get you some pics. xoxoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s