A few years ago I dipped my toe into blogging and made huge mistakes, mainly in the tone of my writing. I treated the posts as if they were journal entries, which if anyone ever read my journals, would be convinced that I was an emotionally intense maniac that better not miss a dose of her meds. (This reminds me to add “burn journals” to my will… ) I remember that my good friend posted a comment noting that I seemed really raw, and that struck a chord with me. An out of tune, face-wincing squelch which meant that that much unfiltered emotion, in this case sheer rage, was not appropriate. A few months later (this was the summer of 2007) I was invited to join Facebook via a project I was working on coordinating college students and I quickly learned that too much raw emotion in a very public forum was never a good thing. I closed down the blog and began to pay very close attention to my intention and my tone.
The past few weeks I have been BORED TO THE POINT OF ANGER, mostly due to my aforementioned situation at work. I have tried to channel it into running and hiking, which does actually help. I have been out and about on dinners and drinks and happy hours and baseball games and hosting out-of-towners. I got some new clothes. My bra size is now 32DD (wtf?) and there have been no surgeries nor weight gains. I have embarked on a much needed organization project, purging files both paper and electronic, which is satisfying, but holy hell is it tedious. (Photos are next, will that be more fun?) So it is not like I have been not enjoying life, my peeps, and all that important stuff since the work slowdown.
But… the boredom has creeped the past few days. And the weather sucks. (Rained ALL DAY, here instead of my home state which is heartbreakingly parched.) The boredom has infected my extra-curricular life with lethargy. When I get home I have no energy. I feel despondent. I shut down. I turn off. I don’t run. And then, I don’t write for fear of spewing.
With the hope that it does help to be vulnerable to avoid getting unintentionally wounded later on, I decided to force myself to write this terse admission by staying very disciplined emotionally. Being vulnerable and open has backfired on me in the past, very recently in fact, and I have to fight off the torrent of self-directed criticism when I have felt rejected. But, my brain knows that this will actually work to heal my heart on the other side of the current frustrations. I will have to get through today and likely tomorrow too though, feeling inept.