Crying On The Returns

Staring at the blank screen when my head is so filled with a tangle of thoughts and my gut is churning with so much emotion and my physical exhaustion is nearing its tipping point is a special kind of torture.  Normally, I’d bust out the Moleskine and blast out a diatribe or so, but I forced myself to open the blog machine to impose some structure on the internal rough drafts.  I have no idea how that’s going to go.

I have just returned from a quick weekend trip home both with and to see family, and mostly, it was a fine trip.  Family is complex and mine looks like a Manhattan Project equation.   What I can always count on, and especially when returning from home, are some intense emotions that usually well up right after I get out of the car at curbside.  I keep my sunglasses on and my head down as I make my way through security, then pit stop at the bathroom for a muffled stall cry in an attempt to get it together before getting on the plane.  It’s not without precedent that I cry once settled and the plane is suddenly speeding me off the ground and back to reality.  I have always done this; my expectation is that I will always do this, and I am fine with it, but today’s episode reminded me how sensitive I am.

A wise person once told me, “Sensitivity is a superpower.”  I know she is right and it is time for me harness it once and for all.

However, I am terrified.  Not of Success – I am ready for some more of that to get here – but of  rejection and humiliation and abandonment and all the painful things that I  have already experienced showing up for a repeat performance.  I am not looking for pep talks by sharing this, because my previous rejections and humiliations and abandonments were mostly the result of abuse, the extent of which I have only just recently begun to understand.  At least now I feel confident I know how to spot that well ahead of time.  (With the exception of some recent fumbles of my own making and then endless fixation on them.)  What I don’t know how to do is actually open up enough to let the light in.

My most effective defense strategy and stalwart enabler is procrastination.  I am the Four Star Generalissimo of Procrastination, a lot of it now achieved by too much “screen time” and while I do have an iPhone, I have a cumbersome, work-brick laptop and a TV that was state-of-the-art… in 1997.  I dilly-dally and dawdle and putter and preen and run late and feel harried and then, like dysfunctional magic, I am failing just like Procrastination promised.  (Yes, I am aware of the Mean Voice in my head that is telling me I am doing it wrong.)

Here is where the Return Travel comes in to play: I am in a vulnerable state, not here nor there, yet totally present in the limbo of airports and time zone jumps.  And that’s when I realize I want so much more…

I want that light.  And that love.  And that success.  And that serenity.  And that fun.  And that magic.  And that energy.  And that security.  And that passion.  And that confidence.  And that warmth.  I want that light to get in.  To nurture me.  I want that.

This was a start.

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6 thoughts on “Crying On The Returns

  1. I could have written the, “My most effective defense strategy …” paragraph. I mean, not as well as you did, but you know what I mean. This is beautiful, and I’m simultaneously grateful and pained to know that I’m not the only one who’s a lifelong student of the art of self-sabotage. ;)

    • oh Kim, WHY do we do this to ourselves? everyone, and I mean everyone is just AWFUL to themselves. we would never treat a friend the way we treat ourselves. I could go on and on… but what I really want to do is to stop. thank you for reading AND commenting. it helps to know someone I admire has tough days too. I really want to kick this shit to the curb!

  2. Been meaning to comment on this for a long while. It is perhaps the single hardest and bravest thing for a person to do to unflinchingly expose our vulnerable selves to … well, anyone and everyone…the way you do. This piece is just fucking amazing. We all know theoretically and logically….”oh we all feel this way from time to time…” blah blah blah. You let us feel it WITH you. That is uncommon strength and allows us to be more human. Wow. Thank you.

    • Steve, what a thoughtful and supportive comment! thank you! I am happy to know you’re feeling it too AND shared it back with me. that’s the whole point really, we’re all in this together, it’s just that so much of the time we feel so alone and isolated. you’ve been such a consistent presence reading my posts, and I am always grateful for you. because of you I know I am not alone. this gives me a little kick to write and share more. have a very happy Tuesday!

  3. It is your eloquent honesty that makes your blogs so wonderful to read. The thought of “putting myself out there” is akin to the “naked in high school” dream and your constant and beautiful thoughts are encouragement to us all. Keep it up please!

    • thank you Ana! what a kind and thoughtful comment. I will, I will do it! been running a lot more too which shakes those emotions and thoughts right outta me and onto a keyboard.

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